This is it, this is the one that causes people to implode with opinion, the one topic that causes people to call me an uninformed bald arsehole (to which they are probably correct), this is the ramble about VEGANS.
As we get to the end of VEGANARY, a new concept trendies seem to embrace for a health kick post new year, it seemed the right time to explore thoughts and insights on the relatively newly adopted world of vegans. I concede that veganism has been around for hundreds of years if not thousands according to some articles but it has been in recent years it has seen a mainstream surge. Now movie stars from Zac Efron to Benedict Cumberbatch, pop stars like Madonna and Will I Am are proudly speaking of being Vegans.
Getting to my 18th year working in kitchens there has definitely been a shift in the world of gastronomy. At the beginning as a commis you would rarely see a ticket for a vegetarian let alone a vegan. no one really had a clue what vegans were then, and like the uneducated we just decided if we don’t know them, we don’t like them. Fine dining was popular then so once you realised you couldn’t put butter or eggs in anything it was usually half your mise en place out of the equation. After the obscenities calmed down a bit, usually to the waiter who very apprehensively asked the chef what the vegan option was?, the choice was very limited. God bless a cous cous stuffed courgette or pepper.
But over the years its become more of the norm, and in recent times chefs have factored dishes into menus and prep. For instance when par cooking arborio rice for risotto, don’t use butter and check the wine. When needed on service, for vegetarian finish with butter and crème fraiche if it’s for a vegan loosen with soya milk instead. The chefs have had to change due to the demand vegans have brought to the scene. No longer is the customer apologetic and timidly asking if there is an option. Nowdays the look of disgust as a vegan says “there’s only one vegan option!” has led to chefs boxing clever on most menus and it will have more vegan than vegetarian. Working in the kitchen bar in the summer I heard a woman saying “its disgusting you don’t cater for vegans fully” when the bar didn’t stock OAT milk, apparently the vegan alternatives offered of soya, coconut or almond didn’t satisfy her. What a miserable moaning cunt. The landscape has certainly changed.
So here it is people, obviously this doesn’t apply to all vegans but it really needs to be said, STOP BEING A BUNCH OF PRENTIOUS TRENDY PRICKS, YES YOUR VEGAN BUT I DONT NEED TO BE TOLD EVERYTIME. I don’t give a fuck if you’ve watched Game Changers, an environmental Netflix documentary or read something on Facebook. I will respect your choice to order as you see fit, I’ll always do my best to make someone happy with food as break it down that’s all I care about but, and I cant stress this enough “I DONT NEED YOUR JUDGEMENTS OR REASONS YOU ARE VEGAN AND BETTER THAN ME”. The amount of people who are vegan who then become like a cultish diatribe of facts and opinion about how what I eat is evil, or killing the planet, or unhealthy or unethical it is staggering. Like a fucking bunch of intrusive culinary Jehovah Witnesses . Its not every vegan, I know a couple who believe its just a choice but the majority feel the need to invade my space and try to educate me. Order the Mexican sweet potato burrito, enjoy it, shut the fuck up and please don’t tell me how it saves the planet or is healthier.
Now admittedly that rant has been building, and before I get a herd of angry vegans coming to kick the shit out of me it should be said I understand reasons people are vegan. All the arguments and trying to make the world a better place are understandable. When a vegan ticket comes on I don’t make the face most chefs do, (its looks like they just smelt a bad fart).
The fact vegans acknowledge that beef farming is too aggressive and wasteful for prime cuts its absolutly correct, but its your choice to oppose to eat meat to combat that, I’d prefer to higher the standards of the animals by buying well sourced, eat beef less often and make sure every part of the animal is used by eating the cheaper cuts. (beef cheek Bolognese is especially good). and that’s just my choice, in the hope less cows will be farmed, quality over quantity.
I have never really understood the argument vegans give that breeding animals is cruel, I can see the point that it is over farmed but to me, and its only my opinion, is that humans have evolved to eat meat, we have a higher intelligence than animals so can get them to do as we want in order to eat them. No one is having a go at killer whales for manipulating seals so they have something to eat in order to survive. Again if the animal is breed and treat with the upmost respect, killed humanly and we don’t waste any of it then it just seems an extension of human nature. Homo sapiens have evolved to have teeth and metabolisms to eat meat and plants and it just seems like balance. Rather than judge me for wanting excellent standards for the animals even though I think we should eat them, please, focus your energies on stopping real animal tragedies like battery farming, aggressively growing animals, those horrible cunts at the Chinese dog festival or over fishing and leave me and my nicely sourced, welsh, cooked still mooing steak alone.
“But it’s healthier”, this seems to be the one the documentary Game Changers has brought to the top, ironically like the cream on the milk. Since its release I’ve heard the words “PLANT BASED DIET” far too much. Asda even launched a plant based range, PETA must be cuming in their pants at all the newbie vegans . Eating extra fruit and vegetables can only be good,I’ve heard a lot of people rave about it, many take supplements alongside, but to bring balance to this argument, I’ve known fat vegans. Not due to medical conditions or genetics or any other excuse, it was manly down to their love of chips and pasta. So if you want to go vegan to be healthy good on you, but its the disciplne and educated decisions that make you healthy not a pigeonholed diet. If I took slimming worlds advice and cut down on fats and snacks, eat more vegetables and be conscious of what I eat by sin counting I’m sure I could live a healthy lifestyle to.
And another thing, this one fucks me off so be warned. Going to a restaurant and kicking off about lack of choice, feeling like a victim. NO, NO, NO!. I have seen articles/reviews about people moaning at steakhouses of insufficient choice, that the burger joint doesn’t do vegan burgers. If you have the vegan in you, the vast majority of places will have an option or two. Now if at most 5% of your customers are vegan why would you dedicate a big part of the menu to them. Now, I am sure any vegans who are reading this and have made it this far are fuming, and yes I am an uninformed bald asshole!. At a steakhouse or burger joint the vast majority of people want steak or burgers and the real sting on the gripe is, IF YOU RING UP AHEAD 99% OF RESTAURANTS WILL PREPARE YOU SOMETHING DIFFERENT!. instead these people went in, kicked off and then decided to go on tripadvisor or social media and spew negativity on hard working individuals.
So where to go, this is a new world, for a more health conscious, environmental conscious customer? For the last god knows how many paragraphs you’d be forgiven for thinking I don’t like vegans. That’s not the case, I repeat, that is not the case. If your trying to make the world a better place, I applaud you. If you want to be healthier and inspire the people around you that is to be commended. This bald asshole is actually a big hippy at heart but I just believe more in balance.
Starting a business selling food I get asked about what am I cooking and who do I plan to cater for, then someone says “you’ve got to have vegan options.”, well no I don’t, but dear reader what I will have is great food vegans can eat. As you re read that saying to yourself its the same thing I can assure you its not. The end product will be a customer eating something that is delicious and suit their values. Due to this new demand to cater for vegans, has led to products that are absolute shit being released. Vegan cheese, vegan sausages, chilli non carne, not dogs, vegan fish and chips (banana blossom), vegan bacon I could go on. All are horrible textures, taste fake and are full of flavourings and preservatives. The best vegan food is food that is good food first and just happens to be vegan. In Italy and France you cant have these paradoxical items, to them a sausage can not be vegetarian, you can not have vegan cheese or a vegan fish finger or anything that contradicts itself. Most Italians, till recently believed being vegan was a mental illness. (n.b I was told that by an old Italian waiter, not a study). However when it is about good food first Italy is full of stunning vegan dishes due to the fact the south was so poor they couldn’t afford diary or meat so learnt how to make the very best out of local vegetables and ingredients. I believe I am correct in saying Sicily was poverty stricken but has amazing vegan dishes. No Sicilian thinks of them as vegan though. India is famed for vegetable curries and dishes with most of the country being vegetarian. Many of these are vegan but are not thought of as vegan first, its not “how can I make this vegan?”.
So when I am rocking and rolling in Food Anarchy pop down, have a dish that showcases the beautiful vegetables of Wales, treated with love and prepared in cool, funky ways playing on flavours from India, Mexico, south America and more, also it will just happen to be vegan. Come up to the hatch, order one, and as you savour that first bite you will realise its about making you beautiful food to put a smile on your face. It is nothing to do with you being vegan. And please don’t ask if I’ve seen Game Changers!
happy eating
FOOD ANARCHY 