Where does my week go?. This is the prevelant thought every Sunday night. As the grains of sand speed through the hour glass of life and it is both humbling and terrifying.
Another week goes by and suddenly 2020 seems to have gone by in a flash. Soon it will be over and a new year will be here, a time of reflection for people, then the pre doomed resolutions of self development begin. After a month these usually fade and people revert back to the destructive habits they so do wish they could overcome.
For the last few years I have gone with the safe bet, something vague but progressive. “I want to be a better person by the end of the year”. This year however I have no idea where I am, life is feeling like a path with no destination. In that sentence lies the answer of course, for clarity in life I need to stop and assess and reassess my goals.
The blog has always been my therapy, it’s always been a way to get out worries or frustrations,the fact anyone else reads it has always been humbling and something I am grateful for. As the issues and wonderings become typed this isn’t from a place of depression but just of life. No detrimental actions will come, I’m not in a corner crying, nor hitting the bottle to escape. Quite the reverse, by categorising and recording the issues into print it can help me go forward. That said, I’m called an emotional retard on a regular basis, but I prefer to think of it as stoic.
I used to know what I wanted, this was a restaurant, a food van and to have left a digital legacy. The idea of a digital legacy was to become “immortal”. As narcissistic as that statement is, it doesn’t carry the weight of a dictator or Hulk Hogan. It was just about leaving something there that maybe could help people in the future. To anyone who has ever lost a loved one to Alzheimer’s will attest, it changes your outlook on time and cognitive thought. It is a sobering thought to think that one day you could forget everything you know and to realise how wonderful it is to be able to evoke happy memories and appreciate the present moments with loved ones should never be understated. This is a lesson, to understand the beauty of the present moment. So the idea of leaving a digital mark that people could always read or watch has always been close to me, like people having a family cookbook or reading cookbooks from generations ago.
As I wake early to meditate before the kids and Mrs get up, my mind starts racing and the meditation is compromised before it begins. As I read, the restless mind is work work work so the lessons I should be learning to better myself are read half arsed. When the boys are up it’s breakfast, dressed for school, cup of coffee for me, pack lunches and being in the moment with those sleepy boys as they wake up.
Then the day just seems to fly by, whether it’s shopping for ingredients, delivering or prepping for mid week meals or Sunday dinners, before I know it, it is time for the school run, cook dinner and being with the boys again. Once the boys are chilling or heading to bed it, the final push to clean and finish the work occur. Suddenly it’s then late and time to get some sleep ready to repeat the next day.
Life use to be a lot simpler, there was work and there was my time. When you work for someone you agree to work a certain amount of hours (of course you end up doing more), they pay you and your free time is yours. As simple as that concept was it wasn’t for me, the fear of not succeeding or more the regret of not trying scared me. Looking back I use to feel guilty about leaving the other chefs to get home to get to see my boys for 30 mins before bed. There were times I put work first and didn’t see them awake for 2 days. Now I feel sick thinking I allowed myself to perceive that as ok. Sometimes taking a step back gives the clearest options of clarity. Going to work for someone else and working solid for 12 hours has its perks, you can switch off after, as long as there isn’t any office politics, it’s a very linear agreement with days off. When you are your own boss though its hustle seven days, it’s thinking of concepts, communicating with customers, prepping, cleaning and analysing . It doesn’t seem you get days off, (this could be me being an idiot and not seeing ways to get days off). Between spending time with the Mrs and boys and work it is like split shifts seven days a week.
The amount of time I now get with the kids is brilliant though, and sense of fulfillment knowing I am spending plenty of time with them is something to be very grateful for. Even when I have to work and they are running in to tell me the latest Pokémon they have caught (I have slowly become an expert!, I know fuck all about time management, but the original Pokémon I know) or something new in Minecraft that a “noob” like me should be educated in. Another big bonus is I can take them to rugby training without having to re arrange shifts or ask chefs for favours. As restrictions are in place and we have to stay in cars, but being proactive it’s now used as a time to sort invoices and receipts but I still get to take them and watch in-between jobs . These highlight the big differences of working for someone and being your own boss, yes the days are longer, the days are more planned and constructive but they are also have more flexibility.
As I type it’s pre 7am and I have already sent information for an equipment grant of to the council. This is a scheme to help businesses buy equipment to help further their businesses. It’s a chance to get the last bits for the van at 50% so well worth it. Finding time for these little bits and pieces of help and support again is hard, but could be very worthwhile and finacially beneficial. Even though it’s reading forms and terminology to see if your eligible, to then realise you aren’t big enough yet, or it’s a VAT refund or you have to have so many employees.
When the van is singing and dancing this brings another challenge. If I am struggling to find the time now, then how do we run a van. Do we try a pitch? Stick to events? Just take bookings for parties and weddings? . Do we still do the Sunday dinner kits that have given us great exposure and really set us on our way?. These are all questions that need contemplation, the dream is so close and one that needs to be launched with thought. Guess I better find some more time.
Happy eating
FOOD ANARCHY 