The summer has now given way for autumn, the nights are getting dark and there is now time to breathe, reflect and learn. After my first full summer running the food van, lessons have been learnt and lots of memories have been made.
For those of you new to the journey, this summer the talking stopped and the walking happened and as the planets aligned, the food van opened for a summer pitch in a beautiful campsite, next to my favourite beach. As we catered night after night for all the energy spent beach goers, the laughter never stopped, nor the kick ass food. Although I have been very “radio silent” on the blog it’s down to the fact time, has not played dice, it seems to fly by in the blink of an eye and admittedly this is due to over analysis, and working hard rather than smart. Hopefully as we revert to “Sunday dinner season” my time muscle memory will give more time to write about the thoughts and processes learned from the summer.
But one thing has been building up, so we are going to kick off with a rant, a purely self indulgent rant for a cathartic release. But I FUCKING HATE SHOPPING! . This summer has been a non stop test of patience and a test I’m not sure I would score highly in. As a small business it has been important to try to keep costs down as best as possible, this way it can be passed on to the customer and give us a decent profit margin per dish. Due to the volume of customers this summer (over 6000) and the fact that during the school holidays we were open 6 nights a week, this means I have been in a supermarket or three nearly every day since the beginning of July. Now I am sure you are thinking why not just buy big twice a week? Well unfortunately that consumes the house and makes for stacked fridges, and boxes everywhere. There just simply isn’t enough room.
Luckily a lot of the shops I use are very close to each other, this means I know what to buy in each for the best product or best price. So where to begin with this list of annoyances and grievances ?
Fuck wit husbands who are standing in the way for no fucking reason. Sometimes couples shop together and they both help each other, normally older people. Or maybe there is a medical reason, maybe it’s just support, these people are not the object of this annoyance. It’s the bellends who are lazily wandering around for no reason just because the have abandonment issues or are delusional and actually think they help by asking their wife pointless question after pointless question when she could blatantly do the shopping without this moron slowing her down. She has a list and a mission but because he “thinks” he is helping, I have to patiently wait or hear your stupidity, “Sandra look, they do mustard!”. YOUR HELPING NO ONE, stay in the fucking car, no one needs to see you walking five metres behind, picking up random items and asking your wife if they need it! If she needed it, she would have picked it up you knobhead as she is the one with the list.
People who feel the need to put their trolley at 90 degrees to the shelves and block off an aisle, why they look at an item! These people are so self absorbed they apparently don’t seem to notice that the shop isn’t hired out personally for them and that other members of the public are also there. For these cockwombles I have found a fun way to stop anger from building up to the point of wanting to slap them in the face with a side of salmon. I wait until they are really absorbed in reading whatever product label that is some how captivating their attention like a Sunday times best seller. I wait for them to be really absorbed and then CRASH !, I crash my trolley into theirs and hope it makes a massive noise. The secret is as your lining up and starting to gather pace, at the last moment look at a product on the shelf opposite. Then as they completely shit themselves from shock, you turn and politely say “ oh I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t see your trolley there.”
Another fun way to get back at these selfish wankers is to put your trolley in front of theirs, (keep parallel to the shelves) then stand at the front of their blockade of a trolley, as you find something very interesting on the shelf opposite. This essentially blocks them in. You do end up blocking the aisle but it’s not your fault as your trolley is neatly to the side as are you.
This one I’m going to say as more of a public service as opposed to getting angry, in certain supermarkets they have very short tills. The idea is you put it back in your trolley then go to the massive packing areas at the side and pack at your own speed. It is not good form to try to pack your weeks shopping item by item at the till. It creates big queues that aren’t needed. Yep that was polite, back to the rant.
People who go shopping on a Saturday because they have nothing else to do. GET A FUCKING HOBBY!, taking your family to B&M for a look around is not a day out for anyone. Shops are there to provide a service, you want something, you buy it. Going and buying stuff you don’t particularly want or need blows my mind. I completely understand going in a shop to buy something and seeing other stuff but the amount of times I have heard people say “we just came out for something to do” is mind boggling. Another time, I once heard a woman “bragging” to a friend was “ we didn’t even come out for anything, spend £200 and not really sure why?” How about spend that money on something that would benefit you or your family luv, rather than “come on kids let’s go for a fun day at home fucking bargains.” What a moron.
Speaking of families, why do people go shopping in families of 5 plus? It important to distinguish I am not on about a single parent in this instance, they deserve a medal. I mean the whole family group mum, dad and lots of kids. The most I have seen is a mum, dad, grandparents and 4 kids! Just go shopping another time or take the kids out while one shops. Answer me this, who is happy in that scenario? The answer is NOBODY, especially this bald arsehole who somehow got stuck behind them the whole way around. But in a rare moment of confession I feel I should tell you my secret of how I found happiness in the situation. I waited for my window patiently, then as I could quickly reach through the noisy bored kids for some dark chocolate I let out a silent fart then made a rapid retreat before any noses had smelt the deed. Then I hung back 10 metres as the kids started squabbling who smells and the parents even asked if anyone had had an accident. Made me very happy. Maybe I need a hobby?.
Now the season has finished, trips to the supermarket will be less frequent so the blood pressure will come down. Maybe in an act of positivity I should list a few things I have enjoyed about shopping.
- The middle aisles of random crap, I love the fact I could get a welders mask if the occasion ever warranted.
- Supermarket staff, (not mid management cocks) those miserable ones who just want to get through the day. I appreciate a non chirpy disposition, at least it’s honest. If you’re getting paid minimum wage, dealing with the idiots all day, why would you be happy?
- Seeing people by massive amounts of booze and a rustlers microwave burger. What a day they are going to have.
Maybe as the business develops and staff get hired, I will be able to look back and laugh at my summer of shopping. Being a micro business it has been a necessity to find every saving. One day the dream will be deliveries to a unit or have staff who can shop instead of me. For now I just need to remember its part of the process and a great way for me to practise the virtue of patience.
Happy eating
FOOD ANARCHY 